Fixing Tanner (Second Chances Book 3) Page 12

  Leah and Lily had been close as kids, but even then it was obvious how different they really were. Lily had always been the dreamer, the lover, the romantic, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve. Leah, on the other hand, was pragmatic and realistic about life. She didn’t believe in fate, and felt that hard work and dedication were the only way to guarantee a good life. And she had spent her thirty-one years cultivating a good life – a great life actually.

  And then she had gone and done the worst thing she could do: fall for someone like Tanner Young.

  “Tell me you didn’t know anything about this…” Leah begged.

  In the end she had gotten over her fear of what her sister would say and think. She need someone to talk to more than she needed to be right.

  Lily looked even more pale than normal. “Leah…”

  “Oh my god, you did! And you didn’t think this was something I needed to know about?”

  “He told us a little about the book, but I didn’t know the extent of it all… just that he wanted to get a better handle on things before he handed over his manuscript.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t think it was a big deal, and come on Leah. You’re not exactly known to be forgiving to the messenger.”

  “What on earth does that mean?”

  “It means you would have been mad at me for telling you.”

  “I would not!”

  Lily didn’t want to argue about this, not when there were far more pressing matters at hand. “Fine. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But you’re getting mad at the wrong person here, Leah.”

  Leah sighed, looking down at her hands. “I can’t even… are you as disgusted by this as I am?”

  “I really have no words. It’s absolutely abhorrent.”

  Leah lifted her hand to her mouth. “This is unforgiveable right? I mean… there’s no bouncing back from this, is there?”

  Lily sighed. “I think only you can decide that.”

  “What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

  Lily thought for a long while. “Did I ever tell you about the night I met Tanner?”

  “Not really, no.”

  “It was probably three or four months ago. Nate and I brought him on board with Regan & Wiley. I actually thought he was incredibly attractive those first couple weeks. He is incredibly smart and successful… and there is something about him that makes you trust him implicitly,” she began. “But he is also one of the most childish men I’ve ever known.”

  Lily had never spoken about Tanner this way, not even to Nate. Though she could tell from the look on her sister’s face that it wasn’t what she was hoping to hear, it felt good to get it off her chest. “There’s just something about him that seems… off.”

  “Off?”

  “I don’t know how else to describe it. He reminds me a bit of Thomas, actually.”

  “That’s not good.”

  “No…” Lily responded, trailing off.

  “Care to expand on that?”

  “I can’t help but shake the feeling that there’s something going on with him, something that’s bothering him, something that’s holding him back.”

  Leah couldn’t help but think about what Tanner had recently shared on his blog. He had said something about presenting a curated version of himself to the world and leaving all the shit behind. Could that be what it was? Was something from his past coming back to haunt him?

  “Holding him back from what?”

  “I don’t know… but it’s the same feeling I had with Thomas before—,” Lily bit the inside of her cheeks to stop herself.

  “Before what, Lil?”

  “Before I found out about Clare.”

  Leah blew out a puff of air from her cheeks. “So you think there’s someone else? One of the women from his book research maybe?”

  “I don’t know Leah, but I think he’s definitely hiding something.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore though, does it? I texted Sam, we’re giving us a go.”

  Lily didn’t bother to hide her surprise. “Do you really think that’s a good idea right now?”

  “I don’t care,” Leah said, “I over thought everything with Tanner and look where that got me. This time I’m not overanalyzing anything. I’m taking a leap and having faith that it will all work out the way it is meant to.”

  __

  “Well let’s just go ahead and say what everyone’s thinking: you fucked up. Royally.”

  Tanner looked up at his sister, standing over him, a gin and tonic in her hand. She handed it to him and took a seat beside him. “I really wish you had just listened to me… or Dr. Schultz for that matter. Then you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

  “Yes I would,” he deadpanned. “She’d still be gone. It just wouldn’t have been so messy.”

  Elle rested her hand on top of his. “I’m sorry little brother.”

  “So am I,” he sighed.

  Leah was the first woman to ever make him begin believing in a happily every after. And he had ruined it. Elle assured him that she probably just needed some time to wrap her head around everything.

  “I don’t think so. I’m not sure that there’s any bouncing back from that.”

  “Always the pessimist.”

  “Hey, if the shoe fits…” He took a long swig of his drink. “By the way, don’t let me have anymore after this.”

  “Okay.”

  Tanner stared across the apartment, lost in his thoughts. Could there be a way that Leah could get over what he had done? It seemed highly unlikely.

  “She asked me to choose between her and the book.”

  Elle shot up straight. “Well there you go. She’s giving you an out. One that you don’t at all deserve, mind you.”

  But Tanner was quiet, prompting Elle to sigh heavily.

  “Jesus, Tanner. You aren’t seriously debating that choice, are you?”

  “I’m under a ton of pressure from my editors, Elle. I’ve got to give them something.”

  “You’re seriously choosing a book over a girl you’re in love with?”

  “I never said I’m in love with her.”

  “Tell me you’re not, then.”

  He looked down at his drink.

  “See? I was right. Go tell her you were an ass, and that you’ll trash the book.”

  “I can’t do it,” he muttered. “I just can’t. I’ve been preparing for this book for three years, Elle. It’s too late, I’m too invested.”

  Tanner stood outside Leah’s doorway deep in thought, staring at the cracks in the hallway walls, and studying his reflection in the silver ‘9’ on her door. Every inch of him hurt with longing.

  He bent down and slid his hand under the small mat, retrieving a single gold key. How many times had he told her it wasn’t safe to leave a key there?

  Her apartment looked different in the light of day.

  He entered her bedroom, staring at the bed that they had made love in two weeks earlier. He was almost certain that he could still smell their sex – their sweat and passion – a scent that had become familiar to him. As he sat down on the edge of the bed he still wasn’t sure what had brought him there. He had left his place that morning and the car had practically driven itself in the direction of her apartment.

  He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there before he heard her keys in the door. He jumped to his feet and sprang to the front door.

  The sight of him standing there as she opened the door took Leah by surprise and she fell back against the doorframe.

  “What are you doing here Tanner?” She asked, gathering herself and brushing past him, dropping her bag on the hall table. He took it as a good sign that she wasn’t mad that he had helped himself into her place.

  “You know why I’m here.”

  “Do I?” She looked up into his green eyes, and for the first time she felt as though she didn’t know him at all.

  “We need to talk about this book.”
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  Leah held both hands up. “You’ve heard my thoughts on the matter. I have nothing else to say.”

  “Well there’s a lot more that I need to say… if you’ll listen.”

  She couldn’t imagine what he could possibly say to make this better, but the part of her that wanted to believe he could be better, that wanted to believe he could change, won out. “Okay.”

  They took a seat on the couch, where Leah pushed aside a bundle of clothing that he didn’t recognize. Now that he thought about it, he’d noticed a men’s watch on her nightstand as well, but he brushed the thoughts aside, assuring himself that he would get to that later.

  “There’s a lot you don’t know about me Leah—”

  “I’m beginning to realize that, yeah.”

  “What I’m trying to say is that while it may look like I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, that couldn’t be further from the truth. A lot of shit has happened in my life, and I’m not trying to use that as an excuse, but I’m only human. And that means I’m flawed. And it means I don’t have everything all figured out. I know that you’re disgusted by me right now, but if there is one thing my therapist has taught me, it’s that—”

  “You’re seeing a therapist?” Leah interrupted. Now that she hadn’t seen coming.

  “Yes. For about eight weeks now.”

  “Wow. I’m actually shocked.”

  “Me too, to be honest.”

  Tanner had agreed to go to therapy only to appease his sister but had made some startling and life-changing discoveries about himself in the process.

  “Do you talk about me?”

  She wasn’t sure why she had asked. After all, she shouldn’t care, right?

  “I talk about everything. But yes, you have definitely come up,” he shuffled in his seat before continuing. “If there’s one thing that my therapist has taught me, it’s that there is usually a reason behind everything we do. ‘X’ happens, and we do ‘Z’ as a result. It’s taken me a while and a lot of time and money to figure out why I am the way I am.” Tanner looked down at his hands. “I’m a volcano of hate and indifference, Leah.”

  She remained silent for a moment, absorbing his words, and choosing her own carefully. “And what do you think made you that way?” Her words came out in a near whisper.

  Tanner took in a deep breath. He had never before been so conflicted. By revealing his past he was opening himself up in a way he had never done before. But if he didn’t try to explain himself, he might lose Leah forever.

  “I lost someone a while back; someone very close to me. And I’ve come to realize that I never really dealt with it. At least, not in a healthy way.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Leah reached out to touch his hand but then thought better of it. Her thoughts flashed briefly on Sam.

  “I had – have – a lot of anger about it that has just been festering inside of me. And in the beginning, I didn’t think there was going to be anything that would help me to forget, until…”

  “Until?” Leah wasn’t sure she wanted to know where this was going.

  “This book.”

  She sighed. “How on earth can this book help you forget?”

  “Because it provided me with the perfect escape. It was the perfect way to numb the pain and ignore the past, if only for a couple hours at a time.”

  “With sex,” Leah suggested.

  “Yes, with sex... and alcohol.” Tanner clasped his hands together in an attempt to hide the shaking that had begun to spread through his body.

  “Why not just sleep with them and move on, why keep notes and play all the mind games?”

  “For a while it was just sex. But then three years ago the idea for the novel jumped into my head and I just couldn’t ignore it. And until you came into my life there was no reason to.”

  “What I just can’t wrap my head around is that in all that time there wasn’t a voice in the back of your head questioning whether what you were doing was right or wrong.”

  “I was indifferent. I have been indifferent for years… until you.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  Tanner reached over, tentatively taking her hand. “All you need to say is that we can start over.”

  “I don’t think I see that ever happening,” she said quietly.

  “I could love you, Leah. In a big way.”

  He placed his hands on either sides of her face and pulled her towards him. His lips had only just met with hers when she pulled away.

  “Believe me, there is a version of that that I want… but not like this.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because this isn’t about me. You’re lost Tanner, and I’m not the answer.”

  Chapter 20

  “I think the answer is pretty simple.”

  Tanner stared at his sister from across the dinner table the following night. “Then by all means, please share.”

  “You’ve got to back off and do your own thing for a while. Show her that you can be a better version of yourself. Go on an emotional detox.”

  “Do I even want to know what that is?”

  “Don’t sleep around. Don’t date. Don’t even so much as look at another woman. Separate yourself from all the bullshit in life and focus on you.”

  “That’s your brilliant idea?”

  Elle pushed aside her empty plate and clasped her hands together. “Listen, little brother. It’s obvious that Leah cares about you, and in the same way that I urged you to go to therapy to better yourself, she is telling you that she wants you to work on yourself. She isn’t saying no to you, she’s saying not yet.”

  Tanner let her words sink in. Could he do it? Could he really change and become someone even close to what Leah wanted and deserved? For one, he would have to give up drinking.

  “I think she’s already seeing someone.”

  Elle didn’t seem fazed. “All the more reason to get control of your life. Are you still seeing Dr. Schultz?”

  Tanner nodded in response.

  “And how’s that going?”

  “I don’t know if you’ve ever been to therapy, but it’s really hard on you.”

  “Well I’m glad you’re going. And I know what you mean when you say it’s hard on you. I went for a while… years ago.”

  “When was this?” Tanner asked.

  “My first year of College.”

  “What? Why?”

  Elle sighed deeply. “There’s a lot you don’t know.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “About mom and dad. You were young, and they shielded you from a lot. I wasn’t so lucky.”

  __

  Elle was home early, having skipped her last class of the day. Though it caught her by surprise that her father’s car was already parked in the driveway, she thought little of it until she pushed open the front door and heard her parents’ voices coming from their upstairs bedroom.

  “Come on Michael, you can’t expect me to believe those lies anymore.”

  Elle froze in the entryway, her heart hammering away in her chest. Her heart told her that she didn’t want to hear what was being said, but her curiosity kept her glued into place.

  “Viv, you’re making this out to be a bigger deal than it is.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry! It’s not a big deal, is it? You sleeping with your secretary is not a big deal?”

  “Its just sex.”

  “You need to get out of my sight before I do something I’m not proud of, and I refuse to sink to your level.”

  “Fine. Whatever.”

  Elle dashed down the hallway and into the kitchen, peeking around the corner to watch as her father descended the stairs and slammed the front door behind him on his way out. She heard the rumble of his car starting and squealing tires as he tore away from the house. She could just make out the sound of her mother’s muffled tears.

  __

  “Why haven’t you told me any of this until now?” Tanner asked, bewildered.

&nbs
p; “Honestly? I was scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “That you were going to turn out like him.”

  Tanner thought for a moment. “Isn’t that more of a reason to tell me?”

  Elle sighed. “I’ve never claimed to be perfect, Tanner, but I’ve always tried to be a good sister, and I thought that I was helping you.”

  Tanner dropped his head into his hands. “Jesus. I feel like all I’m doing is running from the inevitable.”

  “What do you mean?”

  What did he mean, exactly? The words had sprung from his mouth without his mind having thought them through.

  “I don’t know,” he replied, backpedaling. Elle remained quiet beside him. After a few moments, he spoke again.

  “I drink too much because I can’t live with the fact that I let my best friend die right in front of me. And either I’m going to end up losing everything because of it, or I’ll end up dead. I played around with all those women in the name of research, when really it’s because I was hiding from my shitty life, and because I’m apparently a cheating scumbag just like dad. I hid the book from Leah because I knew it would mean the end of us. And it did. Running… from… the… inevitable.” He spoke the last part slowly, enunciating each word.

  “Well,” Elle said, “I never claimed you weren’t a hot mess. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t still hope for you to get your act together.”

  “That’s the thing, though. There’s only one way this all ends.”

  Lily had been right all along.

  That night that she found him at Sapphire she had spoken to him in a way that no one ever had, in words that until that moment had done little to affect him. But now there they were, ringing in his head. You have to drop the act and be real with people or they are going to see right through you. And they won’t like what they see. No one will want to touch you, and this amazing career and body of work that you’ve built up will mean absolutely nothing.

  Tanner thought about the months of writers block lying heavy on his shoulders. Forget what everyone else might think of him; he had never been more disappointed in himself.